FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
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one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did