Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

When the stylist spins you back around

My dress code is business-casualty.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

notice

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.