Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work