Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia