Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
You Might Also Like
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands