Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
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Maths meets science
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.