Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
these two trucks have the same bed length
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
accurate
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
As per my last nervous breakdown
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
At least he brought enough for everyone
