Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

No one:

London landlords:

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

With a text.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out