FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear