FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.