Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

titanic

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.