In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.