Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

This fish is cracking me up

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

got so much cardio in today

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’