Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*