Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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trivia
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.