Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
When your diet is finally over.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
No. He’s not coming out to play
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands