Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
m’lady
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
