Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
getting groceries
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦