Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.