FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?