Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
incredible google review i just found
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?