Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Best seat on the street 😍
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.