FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.