FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”