Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I occasionally drink every single night.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!