Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*