Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.