Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
me at the job i begged god for
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?