Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.