Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
October 31
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
describing stardew valley
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?