Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss