Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
The legends speak of a third Duran…