Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking