Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.