Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
channeling her this year
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore