@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

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@pilau

I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.

– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

@LlamaInaTux

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw