Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

shit, they caught us—run!!!

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.