Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh good, now I can stop drinking

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.