Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.