Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Hang in there buddy
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good