@KateWhineHall

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

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@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@missekay

The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

@ClichedOut

Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me