Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Warm pools make me nervous.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis