Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.