Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

ok hear me out: Luigiana

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Hear me out: WrestleVania