Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
⛄️
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin