Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

🧠

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.