Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head