Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”