Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
New favorite tiktok
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Why soy sad?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.