Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
he’ll never suspect a thing
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time