Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’ve had relationships like this
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
About to form my very first opinion
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Batman v Dracula
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life