Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Haha! 😂

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard