Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
grandparents are too precious for this world
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them