@BeeeejEsq

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

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@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@jwoodham

Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I’ve ever run.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

@TylerLinkin

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.