Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Still my favourite meme.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m already scared
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
How did we not see this back then?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart