Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.