Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

the zen of frog

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Thinking about a snail with a limp

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.