My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.