Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)