Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

War & Peace

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?