FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
