fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Chicago sounds lovely.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
This will never not be funny to me.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.