fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Sponch
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I think I’m gonna be sick
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it