Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

I need to update my racial profile.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*