Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
You Might Also Like
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Stop sending me this shit.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
that’s really how it is
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”