Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.