Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Printer ink is expensive

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

put ‘er there pardner!

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

#Caturday

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs