fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.