fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Software Development ⛵️
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?